February 5, 2012, Author: ragdyand, Leave a comment

Message in a Bottle

Categories: Uncategorized

Wow.  I don’t know what was going on this weekend, but it was like being on an emotional roller coaster.  I got quite a bit done for myself.  I cleaned my kitchen, as in dishes and countertops.  I did some handwriting, took an inventory of my relationships over the last 22 years.  I went to a baby shower with a gift in hand and socialized.  I created a prototype wedding invitation for my friend & her fiance that they loved and we’re moving forward with.  I cooked 2 meals for myself today and photographed the sunset.  I didn’t turn the TV on today, nor did I take a nap.  I paid my electric bill and ran a couple of errands.  I didn’t overspend at Michael’s and used my returns at Office Depot for an exchange purchase.  And I ended my Weight Watchers week today 26 points ahead, even having dined at McDonalds with fries and a smoothie tonight.  I didn’t let what was going on in the background incapacitate me.  It was a good day.

Now for what was going on in the background… I don’t know if it had anything to do with me.  I felt myself a part of it at first, then intermittently, then it just felt horrible and uncomfortable, like crisis.  Today was the SuperBowl, which is the largest and most chaotic event of the year for M.  I don’t know what was going on in the last couple of days.  What I’ve been feeling has been building for a month.

Nothing sparks it, I just feel him.  Then the thoughts start churning while I’m doing everything and nothing.  I can be thinking about anything and everything and it’s still flickering in the background, kneading slowly in the distance.  I’ve just learned to go about my day.  I have to.  I quit smoking.

I have to commit to my own stuff while I’m feeling all of it and surrendering to God.  I have to take care of my stuff for me, not because I think I should prepare for the possibility that he might be in the picture soon.   I wear myself out with that kind of thinking because I’m powerless over the outcome.  Just the same, it’s knowing that at least one person in this world understands and appreciates me in ways that no one else does.  Knowing that I’m not crazy for the way that I feel, for missing him and getting all of his emotional white noise though our quiet wavelength.

I need him.  I just don’t want all of his stuff as it was to this point.  It’s for him to take care of.  I’m the future.  I’m moving in that direction, with or without him.  Although without him will be harder.

I felt the roller coaster quiet at about 9pm Pacific Time tonight.  The motor is on, but the wheels are still and level.

I don’t really understand a lot of things and aside from what I have already noted, I am impervious to the centeredness of my feelings about this man.  After all, I told him not to contact me again.

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Tonight’s Sunset

Sunsets - 8

Click on the image to see more.

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February 5, 2012, Author: ragdyand, Leave a comment

Sin Fronteras

Categories: Romance, Thoughts
Tags:: , , ,

You know that old saying, you date your father and marry your mother?  It’s an analogy, of course.  Well, this person that I’ve been writing about has some qualities like my mother.  In both aggravating and endearing ways.   For example, if you lead me down a path of comfort, invite me to talk with you, give me a sense of acceptance and understanding as I deluge my feelings on the topic at hand, wouldn’t it also be nice for you to tell me how you feel too?  For whatever reason, no.  Instead is the ultimate freak-out.  Overwhelmed and confused, there is no response other than a call to action.  Something must be done!  Anxiety!  Pressure!  Emergency!  Weren’t we just talking about how much we love intimacy?  Weren’t we just talking about how we communicate intimately?  What?!  Goodness, get a grip!  Fear of rejection tied the tongue and now there’s vomit all over the place.

I had to train my mother on this too.  Just ask if you have a question.  Ask for clarification if you don’t have a question, you may have heard wrong even though it sounded clear.  What did you mean when you said ____?  Are you asking me to feel the same way?  Or simply tell me how my words make you feel.  I’m confused by what you’re saying.  I’m overwhelmed by what you’re saying.  I’m concerned by what you are saying.  Then tell me why.  I feel ________ because… 

Honesty reveals a kind heart and natural boundaries that protect us.  If you hide, react and take action you come off as a self-righteous jerk when in fact, you’re just scared.  And suddenly I am to blame for everything because my thoughts and feelings are on the table while yours remain tightly packaged in an invisible box beneath it.

If you read this blog, you know where my thoughts and feelings are most of the time.  I’m perpetually processing.  If I’m not processing, I’m probably dead.  But that’s about me.  It’s not about us or them or what might or might not be.  It’s just me.  I’m a spigot that gushes when my knob is turned Lefty Lucy by a hand other than my own.  My knob can be adjusted to soften the flow.  But without a hand reaching out to express its needs, I don’t know that I’m flooding the space.

My mother is also very sensitive, unique and bears tremendous weight on her shoulders managing too many things at once without ever breaking her heart or her spirit.  Although, it comes out in other ways.  M is that way too.  They got along well at a lunch many years ago, without any recollection of each other.

Boundaries aren’t about changing people, they’re about protecting ourselves and letting people know where we stand.  If you hide under the table in the tightly packaged invisible box, you are only invisible as long as no one trips on you and shatters a limb.  You are just as likely to get squashed.  Come to understand your feelings, then put them on the table on the same level as mine and let’s be honest.  I’m not interested in peddling solo on a bicycle built for two, else I’ll just go back to being alone.

I hope something comes of this soon.  I’ve been feeling him again for a month and it’s peaking this SuperBowl weekend.   I will stay on my own path of commitments and activities.  If a man wants you, nothing will stop him.

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February 4, 2012, Author: ragdyand, Leave a comment

Andi the Housewife?

Categories: Business, Cleaning, Faith, Romance, Thoughts
Tags:: , , , ,

I’ve been thinking about this lately.  It’s sort of coincided with my posts of this last week.  I think there’s been a perception of me that I have not had of myself.  When I was in high school, I was known to be creative and good with children.  When I was in my twenties I was often asked if I was a teacher because of those two things, my organizational skills and my way of explaining things.

Business & accounting has been a way to achieve independence and a life separate than the one I knew, a new identity.  I had the drive for it.  Now my priorities have shifted.  A year and a half ago, M asked me what my goals were.  My response was to spend more time with family and friends.  We argued lightly about this.  He said that wasn’t a goal.  I stood firm that it was.  For people of our drive for business and desire to detach from ourselves, the commitment it takes to reconnect to who we are is tremendous.  It is most certainly a goal while supporting oneself, fighting the urge to fully immerse in “work” AKA something outside of ourselves.

Since I left my career, I’ve been able to observe when I am at my best, when my most true self comes to surface and I am most available for others.  It’s not when I’m working.  It’s when I’m relaxed, cooking and cleaning and creating.  I’m available to take care of family.  I make plans with friends. I meet new people and spend time outdoors.  I work at festivals and fairs face painting and enjoying contributing to the atmosphere.  I paint with oils and sell my paintings.  I spend time with children and seniors.  I maybe even do some gardening.  I’m patient with myself and take care of my heart so that I can support the people I love.

It’s not that I dislike working.  I still have the drive.  It’s just changed shape.

I don’t know that I’d be a good mother.  I’m certain I’d need an entourage: maybe a doula, a night time nanny, weekly psychiatric appointments, a masseuse, a housekeeper, a bookkeeper, a gardener (if I had a garden), an address book of teenage babysitters, a dog walker (if I had a dog), maybe a personal assistant.  Maybe by the time I have kids my friend’s kids will be old enough to babysit.  There’s a thought.  There’s also a possibility that I’ve already started menopause.  Strange things have been happening for about a year or more.

My biggest problem is with having children is sleep deprivation.  I have a successfully long-term medicated condition that can quickly progress to psychosis with sleep deprivation.  Hence, the night time nanny.  All I asked M for hypothetically was a housekeeper.  I don’t care about a big house or a fancy car or a vacation home.  Just a housekeeper once a week and I will be happy.  We can even live in my condo forever with just enough money to go out to dinner a couple times a week and I will be okay.  I live on nothing as it is.  Although, I would like enough in reserve to vacation to Hawaii once a year, or back to LA if we(I) relocate.  These are my dreams, with or without a man.

But I’m starting to find myself making choices.  Do I want more work or more time?  What kind of work do I want?  How do I want to schedule it?  Who do I want to work with?  Do I want it to be more creative or more get-in-get-out accounting?  How am I billing?  Are my rates fair to me?  Am I prioritizing personal relationships with clients over revenue goals?  How is this impacting my ability to get out of debt?  I have a lot of choices and one of them is where I’m headed.  Would I be happy as a housewife?  How would I balance my drive for business with a caregiving role?

I’ve often thought that my creative career would blossom if I wasn’t my own breadwinner.  That’s not avoiding work, it’s just working differently with help and using the time it provides to be a caregiver, creative, organized, patient, loving and kind with or without children of my own.

I tried to explain to M that its not that I’m anxious for children, I just want to leave the option open so that if I meet someone that I want to have children with I’m not too old, or have ruled it out entirely because I rather mother my clients.  I think he may have been confused because I may have said that I wanted to hurry up with it before I grew too old.  I pressed the issue as a counter to “what’s the rush.”  I’m a 35 year old woman Goddammit!  It would have been nice if we had an honest conversation on his part, which I found out months later we did not.  In fact, it would have been an entirely different conversation due to his circumstances.  If he had been open with me, I may have been okay with it or at least been able to discuss it rationally.  He wasn’t ready and I respect that.  I just wish it all would have unfolded differently.

I recently discovered that my hypochondria about menopause may be close to reality.  I started taking One-A-Day Women’s Menopause Formula and things improved within an hour.  Honestly, I would be so happy not to have a menstrual cycle anymore that I didn’t even think about the child factor.  I figure that if God wants me to have babies, the opportunity will present itself before I am barren.  If not, then the opportunity will present itself to adopt.  And option 3 will be simply caring for other people’s children.  Since that conversation with M that in hindsight may not have been the best idea for a new relationship, especially one in the shadow of pending divorce, I can honestly say I made a mistake and that I’ve given it up to God.

So I guess we’ll see…

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February 4, 2012, Author: ragdyand, Leave a comment

I’m a Little Teapot

Categories: Faith, Romance, Thoughts
Tags:: , ,

…short and stout.  Here is my handle, here is my spout.  When I get all steamed up and I shout, just tip me over and pour me out.

I was so preoccupied this morning and my head so full that it hurt.  I took some time to pour myself out onto paper before making my way to my friend’s baby shower today.  It’s still pretty full, but I let enough off the top to allow new life in and enjoy the company of new and old friends.

I was three hours late.  I arrived about half-way through the opening of the gifts, which I understand took about two hours.  I added my gift to the pile, adjusted the spelling of her son’s name on the card and relaxed.  Afterward I stayed and talked for almost an hour with a girl we go dancing with and my friend’s sister-in-law.  Then helped load all the presents into the cars, filling one and a half large American SUVs.  My friend and I made some tentative plans as I was leaving as well.

At the party, I glanced only for a few moments at the photo album being passed around.  My friend and her husband had a beautiful, romantic photo shoot with her pregnant belly at the beach.  I could feel the tears welling, so I passed on a longer viewing.  She’s a really pretty mom.

I noticed that there were a lot of pretty women in the room.  I recalled a comment from one of the attendees of my wine club party about our group photo, “What a pretty bunch of women.”  I considered that in the past I would have been threatened by that.  I would have been wondering which one the man who held my heart would be interested in.  Did he know them?  Today I was just happy to be one of them.

I go to a women’s support group once a week.  I think it’s made a big difference in my perspectives and perceptions.  I had been part of the larger group off and on for about three years.  It was because of the relationship that kept coming back that I made a weekly commitment to one.  I cared about him so much and while he was struggling with anything and everything and making  mess after mess after mess, I knew that when he got better that I was the one who would be in distress.  I committed to my emotional recovery from life’s happenings so that I could be the person I wanted to be in a relationship with him.

Earlier this afternoon, I took a relationship inventory because it was present in my mind.  I decided to stop talking to myself out loud and put it on paper.  More seems to be revealed that way, especially since you can go back and read it from beginning to end.  I found that I’ve grown a lot over the last 10 years.  I’ve noticed lately that I appreciate particular qualities in men much more than I used to.  Whereas before, I would have thought consistency, loyalty, responsibility and faith were either for wusses or liars, I’m starting to realize that they were true and good.  Since I still know most of them, I can see my before and after perception.

I also found that I’m attracted to loving and emotional men.  And that a lot of these loving and emotional men going through divorce are in unfathomable pain that makes them unreliable and scared.  And because I have an open heart to these things, they come to me.

I’ve learned not to take bad behavior personally.  I have appropriate anger and I have to make tough decisions about my availability.  I’m also sympathetic.  I know that when M told me he wanted to date me for the third time last year, spent time with me, then proceeded to escape the fear of his feelings by getting to know someone else on the wine train, while telling me that it was his out of state client calling at midnight for more glassware, I know that this was about his pain and fear of his feelings for me and not about his desire to break my heart.  That doesn’t make it okay.  That doesn’t mean I would have stuck around had he been honest with me about his behavior.  I’m drawing these assumptions based on probability and my emotional connection to his feelings.  At the time I let it go.  Then he let me go, two days before Valentine’s Day.  He told me that he wouldn’t be able to love me or commit because of something wrong with him.  He made himself physically ill over it with intense anxiety, many times.  I felt him trying to emotionally break himself of me.

I waited for him to get past it.  Then I couldn’t wait any longer and made contact.  He told me he wanted no contact.  Then texted me a month later.  So I wrote him a long letter about how I felt and why he couldn’t come back until he faced himself.  A month later he jovially responded to spam from my email being hacked.  I told him not to contact me again.  That was about 6 months ago.  Now it’s SuperBowl weekend and I know he’s not reading this because he’s working in Indiana.  It’s one year after the wine train and a heartbreaking Valentine’s Day.  As much as I try, I am deeply rooted in the present and my heart is quietly steadfast in a way that I can’t explain.

We’ll today it’s not quiet.  It’s joined the occupy movement of my mind.  I think there’s even a riot going on in my left brain, which is causing pain.  But generally speaking,  I try to press on.

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Outside My Window

Sunrise - 08

Sunrise this morning.  Was I looking for a sign?  Click on the image for more.

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February 3, 2012, Author: ragdyand, Leave a comment

Unexpected

Categories: Cleaning, Diet
Tags:: , , ,

I was online earlier looking for a sign.  Something that would jerk me out of my thoughts and feelings.  Something to show me I need to move on.  There was nothing, only quiet appearances in text as would be expected.  Maybe I am here emotionally for a reason.  Maybe it wasn’t all for naught.  Although I am powerless with this information to except feel some validation and possibly a glimmer of hope.

I rose from the couch and cleaned my kitchen for slightly under two hours.  There’s still some left to do, but my sink is cleared and scoured.  The drain has been foam cleansed.  And the dishes to the right of the sink are clean as well as those in the dishwasher.  I can’t remember the last time I saw the white porcelain of my basin.

I rewarded myself with Ghiradelli Twilight Delight.  Going into this weekend, I still have 37 weekly points on my WeightWatchers plan.  The weekly points are the “cushion”.  I start with 49 on Monday in addition to the daily 26.  Then points are earned for exercise, including cleaning.  This morning I also walked up and down the hill where I live about 6 times at 5:30am.  It was dark, chilly and breezy.  I stayed close to home.

Tomorrow I’m going to a baby shower.  I also will revisit today’s string of events and see what the day brings.

 

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February 3, 2012, Author: ragdyand, Leave a comment

Frozen Food & Fluorescence

Categories: Uncategorized

Years ago I used to find myself wandering the isles of the supermarket and Home Depot for hours and hours, sometimes 3 or 4.  I’d start walking slowly hunched over a basket, observing and inspecting each item, dragging my feet on the floor, hoping that my eyelids would lift high enough to see the inventory on the top shelf.

Gradually, over the course of a couple of hours, a gradient effect would occur.  I’d start to notice that my posture improved and I felt less of my own weight bearing down on the basket.  The store seemed brighter with my eyes open.  I was feeling a little better.

One day I looked outside and noticed the grey sky.  I wondered if there was something in the store’s atmosphere, a scent or chemical causing me to upright.  The frozen food section gave me a jolt of refresh and there was something else.  Every time my depression and the grey skies coincided, I drove myself unconsciously to one of these stores and methodically paced until I felt better.  I thought it was retail therapy, but often I did not make a purchase.  I finally looked up. Fluorescents.

These days, I don’t have the problems with depression I had in my tens, teens and early-to-mid twenties.  In the present, I find myself at the market because it is one of two places I feel completely normal.  The other being my home.  Maybe it has to do with those days.  The feeling of solace and comfort when the weight has lifted.  And maybe it’s pacing and pushing and picking, people watching hundreds of unassuming souls for the same purpose provide nourishment, shelter and tools for themselves and others.  And the feeling that amidst fluorescents and frozen foods, in a strange way you’re accompanied.

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February 3, 2012, Author: ragdyand, Leave a comment

Soul Mates

Categories: Faith, Thoughts
Tags:: , , , , ,

I’m making wedding invitations for my friends. I visited them last night to go over what I’ve done so far. Their middle names are Iris-Mae and Wynn. It sounds so innocent and Victorian. My parents’ middle names are Peter and Mary. My uncle and aunt’s are Martin and Pat. I think you can tell a lot about a couple by their middle names.  My middle name is Ruth and my grandmother, who is still alive, doesn’t have one.

Last night, my friend’s fiance and I had a few minutes to chat while she went in the other room to get something.

We’re all on WeightWatchers. I just started. They started after their new relationship poundage became uncomfortable about a year ago, so they’ve already been through the ups and downs of weight loss.

Wynn, for the purposes of this post, looks like an Aryan wrestler. He’s tall, bald, blue-eyed and wears a goatee that exposes his dimples. He has forearms like a sailor and he served in Iraq. Fortunately he’s not an Aryan wrestler. He is the kindest, softest hulk of a man I have ever known. He has a boyish wonder and excitement about life. I totally can’t relate, but appreciate that my friend has found someone that can share her sweet and gentle nature. Last night he relayed an analogy about pacing your diet. He equated it to building a fire. You don’t put all of your fuel on the fire at once, else it will go out. You add a little bit at a time and let the fire build. His eyes opened, he leaned forward and used hand gestures. I broke into a smile and I told him I appreciated him sharing that with me because I hadn’t heard that analogy before.

Despite the enjoyment I took from this short exchange, overall I felt very disconnected as though I was visiting someone’s house for the first time.  I realized what I have known for some time now, that there is a life happening that is separate from how I’ve known my friend.  Most of the people she will be closest to will also be married, most of whom are already.  We will always be friends.  It’s just different.  It’s their house and their family with step-children, not just her apartment.

The quote of today says that nothing is improbable until it is past tense.   About six months after my engaged friends started dating, someone came into my life that I had known from a distance for a long while.  I’ve since moved on.  I’m a strong believer in faith.  Let yourself heal, let your self breath, and when you’re ready to take your next breath God will provide the air.  So I breathe.   I explore all options in my life spiritually, creatively, professionally, socially, family.  I believe that there are always options and opportunities presented before you.  As long as you’re paying attention, you have the widest breadth of choice.  The educated choice is the one based in faith.

That being said, opportunities for relationships have not been presented.  I may be more discerning.  In the background, my mind and heart are quietly occupied.  It’s sort of like the motion picture of a KitchenAid kneading dough projected from a 28mm film flickering in the background.

I think that the problem with failed marriage is that people don’t pay attention to themselves.  They’re so intent on finding “The One”, speed dating, on-line dating, “please set me up” dating or just grabbing the closest piece of meat.   They’d have better luck at a slave auction.  I don’t believe in this.  Granted if your picker is off, you are just as likely to find yourself delusionally connected with someone.

There was a line delivered by Owen Wilson in the movie Wedding Crashers, ”true love is the soul’s recognition of its counterpart.”  The problem is free will.  The soul recognizes its counterpart and the mind of the counterpart makes choices that are not good.  So you find someone who completes you emotionally and spiritually and to protect yourself from their bad decisions, you have to send them away.  I missed him last night when I was with my friends.  It would have been nice to be with someone who gets me, to have my own life with my other half.

Maybe it is all past tense.

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January 31, 2012, Author: ragdyand, Leave a comment

Don’t Stop

Categories: Music
Tags::

I posted this before, but feels right again today…

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